Retrograde

(i’m in the process of migrating posts over from my more risque blog and merging that writing into my current incarnation)

I don’t know if Mercury is in retrograde or Venus has a heavy influence in my chart… But I happened upon a former “I don’t know what to call him” pics on Facebook.

And it shifted something in my soul.
We shared THE BEST KISSES. I needed to put that somewhere…

The Last Kiss

I see your picture

Your smile

And realize that  

You’re the last person I kissed

The last person I kissed

The last

 

The last person I kissed

With passion

And purpose

And love

The last person I kissed

That made my heart skip a beat

And my breath catch in my throat

And my smile begin from the inside

The last person I kissed

Whose voice touched every part of me

Whose laugh I felt was just for me

Whose smile made my day, every day

A kiss?

Just a kiss you say

Never just a kiss

Intimate and telling

Your energy breathing into mine

Creating a place for emotions

To blossom and grow

Setting the stage for connection

For knowledge beyond the physical

For now and for always

The last person I kissed

With passion

And purpose

And love

 

You’re the last person I kissed

The last person I kissed

The last

The last person I kissed

And meant it

 

I miss your kiss

©Hatiná Netsai 11-16-2013 

freestyle 7/26

 

head heart

sometimes, just sometimes
the night encompasses me
and I find myself
recounting moments
in my head that I was certain my heart
had forgotten
I remember the sound of your laughter
Or hear the tone of your voice
in the quiet
the memory of the way
you looked at me
or how comforted I felt
in your presence
can tip the balance
from alone to lonely
from content to melancholy
from right now to yesterday
and suddenly
there’s a knot in my throat
and my face is wet with tears
that I struggle to contain
until the darkness reminds me
that it’s okay.

Daddy

It’s Father’s Day again.

imageMy dad was the greatest storyteller ever. It’s taken me this long to realize I probably get that gift from him. I miss him. There was never a moment in my life, whether I saw him every day or once a year, that I felt unloved by my father.

My father, Anderson Carthel Covington, passed away in 2002. He was a lot of things to many people. He was more than just my Daddy, he was the one person who “got me” from top to bottom. He always talked to me as a person, even when I was a little kid. He never sugar coated stuff and he wasn’t ever mean. And he loved his girls, all 4 of us.

Was he perfect? No.

Was he always there? No.

He had his own demons to fight. He used drugs, he went to jail, he had flaws as we all do. But he was a good man. He had a smile for just about everyone and he was loved so much.

Whenever I go to Orange, the small town in Virginia where my family is from, at some point some vaguely familiar person will walk up to me and say, “You’re Carthel’s daughter aren’t you? Which one are you?” And there’s always a smile and a story and an “I remember when…” That’s something. That’s a memory. That’s love. That’s my Daddy.

Happy Father’s Day to the men who inspire their kids to unimaginable heights by the simplicity of their presence and who make sure their babies know they are loved beyond measure every single day of their lives!

“I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold—that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.'”

A Story About Family (NaPoWriMo day 16)

My sisters and I, circa 1983
My sisters and I, circa 1983

Today will always be a special day for me.

My parents were married on April 16, 1971.

And though the union did not withstand the test of time,
There was a lot of love.
From that bond, a family was created.
Four little girls were born.
Smart Hatiná, reading at 3 years old,
Compassionate Chisoni, taking care of everyone,
Spirited Autumn, beautiful inside and out,
Strongwilled Chaya, a fighter from birth.
And for a little while, we had a good time…
It wasn’t perfect, as no relationship is,
But it was ours.
Our time.
Our love.
Our family.
Momē we love you!
Daddy we miss you!
Thank you.

Q and A (NaPoWriMo day 8)

still playing catch up…

image

this thing you want me to figure out
I doubt
you dream about
but I imagine
nights long into dawn
knees hugged tight
to breasts
sheltering a heart so weak
shallow beats
glue drying still from the repairs
of last week
last month
last year
With elation and trepidation
(yes, fear)
I approach your request
for more
can’t be sure
so I must ask
“am I up to the task of love?”
“can I do this once again?”
… risk my smile
for your eyes on mine
risk my soul
my light
put this heart on the line
for what could be a might?
I know
you never gain a thing
without risk
no matter how great or small
sometimes we give it all
then fall
or falter
but rather
I’ve had the time
to figure out exactly what I want
in truth my heart’s desire
cowers
behind a mind that warns
“do not be blind”
when facing the revelation
that our ideals are the same
but that could change
how long will I blame my reflection
with its many imperfections
for a few instances of rejection
when I and everyone
can plainly see
how much I mean to you
and you to me
you bring sunshine
to my grayest days
warm my spirit
in a haze of tight embraces
and smiles on faces
lift me high
when I can’t see my own worth
become my earth
calm the fears
beneath the surface of my beaming face
wipe the tears away
make a place for me
in life
we are handed
not one guarantee
but if you place your hand in mine
take the time
days, hours, minutes, seconds
to keep me first
and quench my thirst
for truth
for love
for honesty
for connection—you and me
be my man
my king
my rock
my friend
my teacher
my coach
my boy
my muse
this ain’t a ruse
I got no excuse
to tell you no
so welcome to the show
I want you in my world
I’ll be your girl
the answer is
yes.

Not (NaPoWriMo day 14)

image

when u/walked away/i could/not/believe u were gone
not here/not there/not anywhere
not when i/could/still sense u
in my bed/in my head
not/your presence/but your essence/not
while the clothes/hang/in my closet
but not/on your frame
not/while i cry/myself to sleep/not sleep
but restless nights/wrestling sheets/to fight
the pain/not love/of you not/being here
how could you/not/be in my life
when you remain/in my heart/not in my life
engraved/on my soul/a hole
flowing/through me/you/me
on the daily/covering/hovering above me/below me
not with me/around me/sounds
of a voice/like yours/not yours/not ours
ring in my ear/disappear/u will/not/disappear
u will/not/reappear/not/here
not touching/not kissing/not hugging
not/loving me
u will/not/leave me
u are/not/here/really
only because/i can/not/let u go/not yet
i rant/rave/scream/cry/moan
not smile/while lonliness/overwhelms me
like the tide/swelling/welling/not telling
me u love me/not/as the waves crest
and attack/the beach/where i lie/not lying
defeated/worn and/waiting/not waiting
waiting/not waiting
for u to/come back/home