Throwback Thursday: Morning Creep

I am a believer in online dating. I was using the personals way back in the way back. Meeting folks in the City Paper… With NO PICTURES in the 90s! So I know my way around a blind date. And I’m pretty proficient in weeding out the “crazy” prior to it showing up on my doorstep.

But even with all my dysfunction radar, one or two still manage to skip through the cracks from time to time. Usually via text or phone call, rarely in person.

The scenario that follows happened last summer.

image

My name is Hatiná.
Today is Friday, August 16, 2013.
It’s 6:47 am.
I have a story.

Yesterday I deleted my POF profile and created a new one. New name, new pics etc. I had to shake off the cray cray that had been creeping into my messages of late… So I get up early this morning to pee and see a message from a dude that I was supposed to have got in contact with a couple weeks ago. He had expressed how he didn’t want to just talk online and had left his home number for me to use at my discretion. I had every intention of calling, but somehow never got around to it. It’s now about 6 am.

The message reads, “hey there what’s your number?”
Since we have already chatted before and it is the ass crack of dawn, I send the number.
I cannot type when I’m half sleep, it annoys me.
He then sends another message, “you available this morning?”
I pause. “To talk? Sure.”
Him: “Boooooo”
Me: “Boo? Really? Just use the number. It’s too early to be typing.”
He doesn’t respond. I wait a few minutes then roll over to go back to my early morning slumber.
Of course as soon as me and my pillow get back on good terms, the phone rings…
“Hello”
Him: “you happy now?”
Me: “you asked for the number dear. Good morning.”
He laughs.
He’s like “well I asked to see you this morning and you just want to talk on the phone…”
What?
I say “First of all you asked was I available this morning. I said yes, TO TALK… Secondly, it’s like 6:30 am. I’m in the bed. And why are you trying to meet me so early?”
Him: “well I have to work later just wanted to see you before then. Do you drive?”
Me: “no.”
Him: ” I don’t have a problem coming to get you. I need to run to Walmart to take care of something really important. But that’s about it. What time were you getting up?”
Me: “I don’t know. Not now. But if you wanted to go to breakfast or something, I could get up around 8.”
Him: “We’ll I don’t know about breakfast. You could just come over to my house and we chill, you know, party. If you like what you see and I like what I see then we just go from there.. we could fix a little lunch a little dinner (!!!) and then I could bring you back around 8 before I got to work at 9.”

Okay.
Before I get to my response to this box full of shenanigans, lets break this down…

You. Stranger dude.
Want me to get up out of MY bed at the ass crack of morning. Ride with you to Walmart. Where I don’t have to come in. ( yes I skipped that part of the sparkling conversation)
Then go back home with you. In your car. Basically give you permission to kidnap me.
Where you have EVERY intention of fucking. (I’m slow, it took me a minute)
And this sex? It’s supposed to last ALL DAY LONG because in your grand plan you are dropping me back home at EIGHT O’CLOCK AT NIGHT!
Seriously?

And….. We’re back.

Me: “wait, what?”
Him: “what’s wrong?”
Me: “what’s right? You are expecting me to come to your house and take off my clothes? No intentions on doing ANYTHING like that.”
Him: “I mean, we both grown. If we blend, yeah, I mean, we ain’t on e-harmony or something…”
Me: “Nigga it aint a sex site either”
Him: ” well you expecting me to come and get you JUST TO MEET? That’s a long way for meeting somebody, I mean, we grown…”
Me: “And because you offered to come and get me because you WANT some ass, I should be GIVING you some ass because you came to get me? If you only knew how fucking crazy you sound. Boy, get the fuck off my phone please!”
Him: “so you don’t want to see if we blend? I mean, if we don’t, we could just be straight up…”
Me: “Straighten your damn self up, you lunatic…”
And I pressed END.

I’m never going to find a man.
I’m going back to bed.

 

Hypothetically Speaking…

Ladies. Take heed. Hypothetically.

So even if you’re feeling comfortably frisky and tipsy on a first date, do NOT under any circumstances, either real or imagined, give your date head in the car afterwards.

Yes, you are both adults, and yes, it might be fun and a little risqué, but from that point on whenever you get into his car he will (more than likely) automatically expect some kind of sexual favor.

A conditioned response to you sitting your ass in his car.
Like Pavlov’s fucking dog…

Pavlov

Even if you’ve just gone to IHOP and had a totally pleasant breakfast, with mediocre coffee and decent conversation, once you return to the car, he might just reach over and try to pull up your maxi skirt. Or even attempt to place your own hand on your own crotch and ask you to “massage it.”

He may also try to put your hand on his dick while he’s driving.

And even if you tell him “Look dude, I know I created this shit. This situation where you see me as the sex in the car chick... But it’s uber awkward and not in the least bit sexy.”

At 11:00 in the morning.

In broad daylight.

He might even say he gets it and then ask you to ride with him to the golf pro shop to return a club, but somehow then proceeds to drive you to a remote location like a park where he stops the car and attempts to pull you closer.

You could possibly resist while explaining to him yet again, why this shit ain’t going down. And he could be pretending to hear what you are saying while he deliberately unzips his pants..

Yep.

That could happen.

But you know what might happen next?

You could take one look at him and his raging hard on sticking out of his jeans, and burst out laughing until tears are leaking from your eyes.

Then, and only then, might he finally get himself together enough to immediately drive you home.

In total silence.

That could happen too.

but only to me…  Hypothetically.