Oxygen (NaPoWriMo day 22)

Breathe.
Breathe.

Her lonely is palpable
Solid
An entity unto itself
A weight pressed down
Nightly
As naked as newborn skin
Supple
Fluid
Void of love
Full of fear
This lonely lies in wait
Vacillating
Until she is in her most
Vulnerable state
Shallow breaths
Body at rest
Heart slowly beating
Beneath her breasts
This lonely knows
The wanton abandon
Of her soul’s true call
Hears the ominous tone
Bearing down
On her beauty
Cradling her throat
As she struggles for air

Three Hundred and Thirty Four Pounds of NO

Me. Circa 2001. About 100 lbs ago.
Me. Circa 2001. About 100 lbs ago.

So two days ago while at the National Air and Space Museum, I got on a scale that tells you how much you weigh on different places in space… Jupiter, the moon, somewhere else and Earth… I don’t recall how much I weighed anywhere else but here.

334 pounds.

Yep.

334. In Earth pounds.

I’m not okay with that.
For all my “last fat girl standing” self-deprecation and “I’m gonna show all my rolls every chance I get” exhibitionism, yeah, no. 334 ain’t gonna fly.
Yes, I love me. And I’m mostly comfortable in my cute, fat, smart, awesome skin. But I need to do better. For me.

Me.

No, not YOU random judge-y person over there.
Nor all you fat shaming ones on THAT side of the room.

Life is short. And gets shorter every day. I’m 41. Sometimes I don’t understand how I got to be this age when I was just 14 years old and running the streets of Anacostia like some hormonally challenged banshee, but here I am, knocking on the door of 42, with a five year old nonetheless. I’m going to need to keep my energy and sanity in fighting shape for at least 15-20 more years, so no.

No to 334.
Maybe 234 I could live with at 5’10, but 334 is a wake up call.

And I guess I’m posting this because
1. I’m not ashamed.
2. I know I’m not the only one with a number that bothers them, no matter what the number represents.
3. To give myself some support and accountability.

So the next time you see me posting about the ice cream that we all know I love so much, say something. You have permission. And I appreciate you all for being all up in my business in advance.

It’s the internet. That’s what you’re supposed to do!

A Story About Family (NaPoWriMo day 16)

My sisters and I, circa 1983
My sisters and I, circa 1983

Today will always be a special day for me.

My parents were married on April 16, 1971.

And though the union did not withstand the test of time,
There was a lot of love.
From that bond, a family was created.
Four little girls were born.
Smart Hatiná, reading at 3 years old,
Compassionate Chisoni, taking care of everyone,
Spirited Autumn, beautiful inside and out,
Strongwilled Chaya, a fighter from birth.
And for a little while, we had a good time…
It wasn’t perfect, as no relationship is,
But it was ours.
Our time.
Our love.
Our family.
Momē we love you!
Daddy we miss you!
Thank you.

Throwback Thursday: Morning Creep

I am a believer in online dating. I was using the personals way back in the way back. Meeting folks in the City Paper… With NO PICTURES in the 90s! So I know my way around a blind date. And I’m pretty proficient in weeding out the “crazy” prior to it showing up on my doorstep.

But even with all my dysfunction radar, one or two still manage to skip through the cracks from time to time. Usually via text or phone call, rarely in person.

The scenario that follows happened last summer.

image

My name is Hatiná.
Today is Friday, August 16, 2013.
It’s 6:47 am.
I have a story.

Yesterday I deleted my POF profile and created a new one. New name, new pics etc. I had to shake off the cray cray that had been creeping into my messages of late… So I get up early this morning to pee and see a message from a dude that I was supposed to have got in contact with a couple weeks ago. He had expressed how he didn’t want to just talk online and had left his home number for me to use at my discretion. I had every intention of calling, but somehow never got around to it. It’s now about 6 am.

The message reads, “hey there what’s your number?”
Since we have already chatted before and it is the ass crack of dawn, I send the number.
I cannot type when I’m half sleep, it annoys me.
He then sends another message, “you available this morning?”
I pause. “To talk? Sure.”
Him: “Boooooo”
Me: “Boo? Really? Just use the number. It’s too early to be typing.”
He doesn’t respond. I wait a few minutes then roll over to go back to my early morning slumber.
Of course as soon as me and my pillow get back on good terms, the phone rings…
“Hello”
Him: “you happy now?”
Me: “you asked for the number dear. Good morning.”
He laughs.
He’s like “well I asked to see you this morning and you just want to talk on the phone…”
What?
I say “First of all you asked was I available this morning. I said yes, TO TALK… Secondly, it’s like 6:30 am. I’m in the bed. And why are you trying to meet me so early?”
Him: “well I have to work later just wanted to see you before then. Do you drive?”
Me: “no.”
Him: ” I don’t have a problem coming to get you. I need to run to Walmart to take care of something really important. But that’s about it. What time were you getting up?”
Me: “I don’t know. Not now. But if you wanted to go to breakfast or something, I could get up around 8.”
Him: “We’ll I don’t know about breakfast. You could just come over to my house and we chill, you know, party. If you like what you see and I like what I see then we just go from there.. we could fix a little lunch a little dinner (!!!) and then I could bring you back around 8 before I got to work at 9.”

Okay.
Before I get to my response to this box full of shenanigans, lets break this down…

You. Stranger dude.
Want me to get up out of MY bed at the ass crack of morning. Ride with you to Walmart. Where I don’t have to come in. ( yes I skipped that part of the sparkling conversation)
Then go back home with you. In your car. Basically give you permission to kidnap me.
Where you have EVERY intention of fucking. (I’m slow, it took me a minute)
And this sex? It’s supposed to last ALL DAY LONG because in your grand plan you are dropping me back home at EIGHT O’CLOCK AT NIGHT!
Seriously?

And….. We’re back.

Me: “wait, what?”
Him: “what’s wrong?”
Me: “what’s right? You are expecting me to come to your house and take off my clothes? No intentions on doing ANYTHING like that.”
Him: “I mean, we both grown. If we blend, yeah, I mean, we ain’t on e-harmony or something…”
Me: “Nigga it aint a sex site either”
Him: ” well you expecting me to come and get you JUST TO MEET? That’s a long way for meeting somebody, I mean, we grown…”
Me: “And because you offered to come and get me because you WANT some ass, I should be GIVING you some ass because you came to get me? If you only knew how fucking crazy you sound. Boy, get the fuck off my phone please!”
Him: “so you don’t want to see if we blend? I mean, if we don’t, we could just be straight up…”
Me: “Straighten your damn self up, you lunatic…”
And I pressed END.

I’m never going to find a man.
I’m going back to bed.

 

The Fire, In and Out (NaPoWriMo day 13)

image
You should have
You should be
You should do
… so much more.

Too smart
Too funny
Too beautiful
… to be this.

Apply yourself
Reinvent yourself
Promote yourself
… why can’t you?

Your heart
Your brain
Your mouth
… all too big to fail.

I’m the curator of my own potential
The guardian of my mistakes and missteps
I collect each one and display it carefully
Showcasing my failures like trophies
Like triumph
While the trunks where the victories are stored
Seem to grow lighter, the walls of these rooms
Are covered in shelves heavy with defeat
It’s no wonder I can’t breathe, can’t move
My lungs are thick with the dust of longing
Of “maybe”, “if only” and “why”
My heart burns with the desire to be rid of this monument
These walls that imprison my freedom
My future, my light
I set fire to the dry volumes and brittle documents
That mar the beauty of this place which once was my sanctuary
Watch the flames lick the edges of pages that held no joy
Only regret and sorrow
Hear the fat crackle and subtle hiss as the fire burns down this cellar of what will never be
And creates breathing room
Space for me to open the latches on these trunks filled with hope and determination
Time to construct a living memory
A future that begins in this moment
A life built on love and joy
Filled to bursting with that same fire which burns
Ever brightly
In my heart.

Ruin (NaPoWriMo day 2)

Ruin

Ruin

Building skyscrapers
of fantasy out of crushed dreams
is the way
She copes
with the reality
of her inadequacy

The structures
loom large over
the streets of her consciousness
Why is there so much traffic here?
All roads leading
to everywhere
and nowhere
At once

This all a facade
Make believe
This can’t be my life
She thinks as she wanders
desolate and dusty streets

The search
is all encompassing
Exhausting
but the buildings
keep rising out of the ashes

The sunshine
is no comfort
Creating looming shadows
at every corner
Misshapen and menacing

She carefully navigates
the feelings of fear
And slowly finds her way

The buildings will stand as
Testament
to her true strength
She opens her eyes
To the sun

They all come tumbling down.