Pride and Prejudice 

This man just sent me a pic of myself that he has had in his possession digitally since 1997-98. 

Talmbout “I still have a thing for you.”
Boo Boo imma need you to have a THING for yourself. It’s called “Pride.” Have you heard of it? 

Mind you he found me on Instagram. We may not have spoken in 6-8 YEARS, but he “still has a thing for me.”


Retrograde

(i’m in the process of migrating posts over from my more risque blog and merging that writing into my current incarnation)

I don’t know if Mercury is in retrograde or Venus has a heavy influence in my chart… But I happened upon a former “I don’t know what to call him” pics on Facebook.

And it shifted something in my soul.
We shared THE BEST KISSES. I needed to put that somewhere…

The Last Kiss

I see your picture

Your smile

And realize that  

You’re the last person I kissed

The last person I kissed

The last

 

The last person I kissed

With passion

And purpose

And love

The last person I kissed

That made my heart skip a beat

And my breath catch in my throat

And my smile begin from the inside

The last person I kissed

Whose voice touched every part of me

Whose laugh I felt was just for me

Whose smile made my day, every day

A kiss?

Just a kiss you say

Never just a kiss

Intimate and telling

Your energy breathing into mine

Creating a place for emotions

To blossom and grow

Setting the stage for connection

For knowledge beyond the physical

For now and for always

The last person I kissed

With passion

And purpose

And love

 

You’re the last person I kissed

The last person I kissed

The last

The last person I kissed

And meant it

 

I miss your kiss

©Hatiná Netsai 11-16-2013 

freestyle 7/26

 

head heart

sometimes, just sometimes
the night encompasses me
and I find myself
recounting moments
in my head that I was certain my heart
had forgotten
I remember the sound of your laughter
Or hear the tone of your voice
in the quiet
the memory of the way
you looked at me
or how comforted I felt
in your presence
can tip the balance
from alone to lonely
from content to melancholy
from right now to yesterday
and suddenly
there’s a knot in my throat
and my face is wet with tears
that I struggle to contain
until the darkness reminds me
that it’s okay.

Flip This House!

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just another episode of the mama who flips out:

today is Sunday.

on Thursday night, i bought two 16 count boxes of go-gurt. today i look in the refrigerator and an ENTIRE box has been decimated to 3, THREE!!!! the only people who eat them are Kendi and Laila. Laila takes them for school lunch and doesn’t really bother with them at home. the boy, on the other hand, who wears size 32 pants and men’s medium shirts and size 8 1/2 shoe, eats them like he’s breathing. i can’t afford that.

Boy. you cannot eat an entire box of go-gurt in ONE effing day. One day! yesterday while was working apparently, also today is my solitary day off this week. i had intentions on studying for Microsoft MOS 77-423 (Outlook 2013) and maybe catching up on TV and dying my hair at best.

but i have instead, swept and washed counters and Swiffer wet jetted floors and cooked waffles and bacon and repeated myself way too many times when instructing children to clean up after themselves.

I AM MUFUGGING TIRED.

i am. i just want to run away. or send them to live somewhere with monks or ex-military types that will wake them up in the middle of the night to scrub toilets and baseboards with toothbrushes and the like. i don’t want to mommy right now. i barely want to ADULT for my own damn self, and you ingrates steadily looking at me with doe eyes when i proceed to go off so sharply that i can feel the veins popping out in my neck.

just do your job little kids. do your damn jobs. go to school. make decent grades. do what the hell i tell you to do. keep your living areas passably clean. that’s pretty much it.

the grown one is at work, but she’s just as bad as the rest. she spent $80 yesterday on Google app purchases. EIGHTY FUCKING DOLLARS! how do i know? because i borrowed $80 from her last week and transferred it to her card on yesterday morning. and when i checked the balance on mine, i saw hers pop up at $0.00 this morning. so being a mom, i clicked on her transaction history, and that’s what i saw. it wouldn’t really make a difference EXCEPT i just paid your cell phone bill on Friday.

*pause*

i’m going to let that resonate with you parents out there.

I JUST PAID YOUR CELL PHONE BILL YESTERDAY.

yeah, so i’m in my room.

sipping on Wild Turkey American Honey and coke.

i’m done.

Happy but sad: thoughts on being a modern single 40-something non-progressive progressive woman

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I know it’s not cool or modern or progressively female to NOT be okay with being single… But I’M NOT.
To be honest, I hate it.
It’s a menace and it makes me sad.

Not that I’m an unhappy person, that isn’t it. I have wonderful kids and friends and sisters and family and a new career path and laughter and books and coffee and delicious food and wine.
I have a good life that’s getting better every day.
Yet there is still a yearning. A space in me that is unfilled.

I make a lot of jokes and talk about the many “misses” in my dating life, but the bottom line is that I want someone to share my life with. My days and my nights…
I know. I know.

“Relationships don’t define you.”
“You shouldn’t be looking for love.”
“God will send him.”

I don’t want to hear any of that.
None of the platitudes ease my mind, comfort me, warm my bed or cure the ache for companionship that is my constant.

Yes, I’m sure this too shall pass but right now it feels relentless. Like the universe of relationships has a personal vendetta against me and decided to wage war on my coupling ability.

Dramatic, I know. But accurate.

on being a writer who doesn’t write

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i’m sorry.

when i don’t write i feel guilty. and with the pseudo-abandonment of this blog, i have been feeling like shit for over a year now.

this is my public promise to do better.

to stop using Facebook as a blog forum.

to spend as much energy visualizing topics to write about as i do finding time to eat all the wrong things.

to figure out how to navigate this new life i have going one without letting go of the things that make me ME.

like putting words to paper. and sharing my thoughts with strangers.

like being a writer who WRITES.