The biting of the dust and such.

imageDear New Dude,

Sooooo. Hey, hey how are you doing? I haven’t heard from you on any regular basis since our first date about 3 weeks ago. Haven’t seen you either though we’ve made plans a couple times.

You seemed nice enough. Funny, engaging, we seemed to have quite a bit in common. We shared dating horror stories. You made a point to ask me if I was an honest person, because you’d had a situation where someone deceived you and we talked about that. You said you were eager to get to know me better. We people watched, had some drinks and laughed a lot. We spent the better part of an afternoon and evening hanging out, even ended with a good night kiss and a plan to go see X-Men at the theater “next time.” I had a good time.

Since that Saturday night, we’ve spoken by phone a handful of times. It was during one of these conversations that you decided to explain your “living situation” to me. UNSOLICITED. You said that you were looking for an apartment because the house you were living in was in foreclosure. And that you had moved in “with a friend to help her out.” Well aren’t you a kind and benevolent soul? But now, “the friend” had not held up her end and you have to move, plus your hours at work have recently changed from days to nights and it’s wreaking havoc on your free time, not to mention your resources. You insist that you are sharing all this information with me because you want to be “honest.” I am baffled at this confession, but I listen and tell you I understand how money can be tight and sure we can go to the movies once you get paid.

About a week went by before you called again, this time to tell me that you saw some pics of me on Facebook that a friend of yours, who apparently knows of me, showed you. You tell me how pretty I am and that tomorrow you want to take me to breakfast. The next morning, I text you, no response.

Another week has gone by. I don’t assume anything. But at this point it’s pretty clear that we had a good time but you’re really not interested. So I shoot you a text, “I’m removing your number from my phone. Just letting you know.” I wait. And 17 minutes later, my phone rings.

I say, “Hello.”
“I got your text.”
I say, “I figured you did when I saw your name pop up.”
“What are you doing?”
I say, “Nothing.”
“Well I was trying to work things out with a previous girlfriend, that’s why you haven’t heard from me.”
I say, “What?”
“Yeah we’ve been kinda off and on but it isn’t working out. You know how it is.”
I say, “No. I don’t. I know you called yourself telling me the truth with all that foreclosure nonsense, you could’ve just said that then.”
“I know I didn’t tell you that part of it then, so that’s why I’m trying to be honest. Tell you the truth.”
I say, “After it didn’t work out? Yeah okay. No thank you.”
“Yeah, I know, so that’s why… Wait what did you say?”
I say, “So after it didn’t work out with the one you really wanted, you think you’re going to tell me that and I’ll be so overjoyed that you are being honest AT YOUR CONVENIENCE that I should still want to talk to you? As in get to know you? Is that what you thought? Seriously? No thank you.”
“Well I see you point, but…”
I say, “I am no one’s consolation prize. Good luck with that. I hope you figure it out sooner next time.”
End. Delete. Sigh.

This Is a Play (NaPoWriMo day 18)

image

This is a play
On words
A play
On feelings
A play
Relationship
Because this shit ain’t real

This a play
On connection
A play
On affection
A play
On togetherness
Because this shit ain’t real

This is a play
On spending time
A play
On sexual chemistry
A play
With shared history
But this shit STILL ain’t real

This is a play
A performance
A one woman show
Because I damn sure ain’t got no man
And you think
That I can’t tell you’re
Just a fan?
A good time
A happy camper
No substance
No staying power
A flash in the pan
An extended one night stand
Once again, not my man
Good for a laugh
A roll
A tickle
Some fun
Not the one

Because
This is a play
But I don’t need your ass
Putting on shows
Anymore
So go

Throwback Thursday: Morning Creep

I am a believer in online dating. I was using the personals way back in the way back. Meeting folks in the City Paper… With NO PICTURES in the 90s! So I know my way around a blind date. And I’m pretty proficient in weeding out the “crazy” prior to it showing up on my doorstep.

But even with all my dysfunction radar, one or two still manage to skip through the cracks from time to time. Usually via text or phone call, rarely in person.

The scenario that follows happened last summer.

image

My name is Hatiná.
Today is Friday, August 16, 2013.
It’s 6:47 am.
I have a story.

Yesterday I deleted my POF profile and created a new one. New name, new pics etc. I had to shake off the cray cray that had been creeping into my messages of late… So I get up early this morning to pee and see a message from a dude that I was supposed to have got in contact with a couple weeks ago. He had expressed how he didn’t want to just talk online and had left his home number for me to use at my discretion. I had every intention of calling, but somehow never got around to it. It’s now about 6 am.

The message reads, “hey there what’s your number?”
Since we have already chatted before and it is the ass crack of dawn, I send the number.
I cannot type when I’m half sleep, it annoys me.
He then sends another message, “you available this morning?”
I pause. “To talk? Sure.”
Him: “Boooooo”
Me: “Boo? Really? Just use the number. It’s too early to be typing.”
He doesn’t respond. I wait a few minutes then roll over to go back to my early morning slumber.
Of course as soon as me and my pillow get back on good terms, the phone rings…
“Hello”
Him: “you happy now?”
Me: “you asked for the number dear. Good morning.”
He laughs.
He’s like “well I asked to see you this morning and you just want to talk on the phone…”
What?
I say “First of all you asked was I available this morning. I said yes, TO TALK… Secondly, it’s like 6:30 am. I’m in the bed. And why are you trying to meet me so early?”
Him: “well I have to work later just wanted to see you before then. Do you drive?”
Me: “no.”
Him: ” I don’t have a problem coming to get you. I need to run to Walmart to take care of something really important. But that’s about it. What time were you getting up?”
Me: “I don’t know. Not now. But if you wanted to go to breakfast or something, I could get up around 8.”
Him: “We’ll I don’t know about breakfast. You could just come over to my house and we chill, you know, party. If you like what you see and I like what I see then we just go from there.. we could fix a little lunch a little dinner (!!!) and then I could bring you back around 8 before I got to work at 9.”

Okay.
Before I get to my response to this box full of shenanigans, lets break this down…

You. Stranger dude.
Want me to get up out of MY bed at the ass crack of morning. Ride with you to Walmart. Where I don’t have to come in. ( yes I skipped that part of the sparkling conversation)
Then go back home with you. In your car. Basically give you permission to kidnap me.
Where you have EVERY intention of fucking. (I’m slow, it took me a minute)
And this sex? It’s supposed to last ALL DAY LONG because in your grand plan you are dropping me back home at EIGHT O’CLOCK AT NIGHT!
Seriously?

And….. We’re back.

Me: “wait, what?”
Him: “what’s wrong?”
Me: “what’s right? You are expecting me to come to your house and take off my clothes? No intentions on doing ANYTHING like that.”
Him: “I mean, we both grown. If we blend, yeah, I mean, we ain’t on e-harmony or something…”
Me: “Nigga it aint a sex site either”
Him: ” well you expecting me to come and get you JUST TO MEET? That’s a long way for meeting somebody, I mean, we grown…”
Me: “And because you offered to come and get me because you WANT some ass, I should be GIVING you some ass because you came to get me? If you only knew how fucking crazy you sound. Boy, get the fuck off my phone please!”
Him: “so you don’t want to see if we blend? I mean, if we don’t, we could just be straight up…”
Me: “Straighten your damn self up, you lunatic…”
And I pressed END.

I’m never going to find a man.
I’m going back to bed.

 

Q and A (NaPoWriMo day 8)

still playing catch up…

image

this thing you want me to figure out
I doubt
you dream about
but I imagine
nights long into dawn
knees hugged tight
to breasts
sheltering a heart so weak
shallow beats
glue drying still from the repairs
of last week
last month
last year
With elation and trepidation
(yes, fear)
I approach your request
for more
can’t be sure
so I must ask
“am I up to the task of love?”
“can I do this once again?”
… risk my smile
for your eyes on mine
risk my soul
my light
put this heart on the line
for what could be a might?
I know
you never gain a thing
without risk
no matter how great or small
sometimes we give it all
then fall
or falter
but rather
I’ve had the time
to figure out exactly what I want
in truth my heart’s desire
cowers
behind a mind that warns
“do not be blind”
when facing the revelation
that our ideals are the same
but that could change
how long will I blame my reflection
with its many imperfections
for a few instances of rejection
when I and everyone
can plainly see
how much I mean to you
and you to me
you bring sunshine
to my grayest days
warm my spirit
in a haze of tight embraces
and smiles on faces
lift me high
when I can’t see my own worth
become my earth
calm the fears
beneath the surface of my beaming face
wipe the tears away
make a place for me
in life
we are handed
not one guarantee
but if you place your hand in mine
take the time
days, hours, minutes, seconds
to keep me first
and quench my thirst
for truth
for love
for honesty
for connection—you and me
be my man
my king
my rock
my friend
my teacher
my coach
my boy
my muse
this ain’t a ruse
I got no excuse
to tell you no
so welcome to the show
I want you in my world
I’ll be your girl
the answer is
yes.

Hypothetically Speaking…

Ladies. Take heed. Hypothetically.

So even if you’re feeling comfortably frisky and tipsy on a first date, do NOT under any circumstances, either real or imagined, give your date head in the car afterwards.

Yes, you are both adults, and yes, it might be fun and a little risqué, but from that point on whenever you get into his car he will (more than likely) automatically expect some kind of sexual favor.

A conditioned response to you sitting your ass in his car.
Like Pavlov’s fucking dog…

Pavlov

Even if you’ve just gone to IHOP and had a totally pleasant breakfast, with mediocre coffee and decent conversation, once you return to the car, he might just reach over and try to pull up your maxi skirt. Or even attempt to place your own hand on your own crotch and ask you to “massage it.”

He may also try to put your hand on his dick while he’s driving.

And even if you tell him “Look dude, I know I created this shit. This situation where you see me as the sex in the car chick... But it’s uber awkward and not in the least bit sexy.”

At 11:00 in the morning.

In broad daylight.

He might even say he gets it and then ask you to ride with him to the golf pro shop to return a club, but somehow then proceeds to drive you to a remote location like a park where he stops the car and attempts to pull you closer.

You could possibly resist while explaining to him yet again, why this shit ain’t going down. And he could be pretending to hear what you are saying while he deliberately unzips his pants..

Yep.

That could happen.

But you know what might happen next?

You could take one look at him and his raging hard on sticking out of his jeans, and burst out laughing until tears are leaking from your eyes.

Then, and only then, might he finally get himself together enough to immediately drive you home.

In total silence.

That could happen too.

but only to me…  Hypothetically.